Your Inner Child Is Highly Sensitive Too…Here’s What Helps Them Regulate.
What if I told you that the way HSPs have come to be, developed through how their younger selves were taught? An “Inner Child” exists in all of us, especially HSPs, where much of the experience of empathy and emotions has been soaked up. Often from others, I hear that they are consistently burned out, overwhelmed, needing to separate from others experiences and not “take it all on.” While much of this is true in helping with compassion fatigue- yes, this is a thing, it may not be realistic when it comes to comforting the parts of you that are needing something more. Think of the younger ages of yourself, and how they may be consistently tugging at your pant leg in the middle of a crowded bar. Would you shove them aside or get on their level and work to understand what they are needing? HSPs are misunderstood enough, let alone us as adults contributing to that misunderstanding.
We learn how to regulate from our parents, adult figures in our lives and mentors alike. If we as adults have not learned that as a child, and now enter into adulthood without that means of regulation, then we often become overstimulated and burnt-out- fast. It isn’t until it has taken years of being passive, people-pleasing (or recovering- people pleasers), and not setting boundaries with others that it all becomes too much, and we wonder why we are so exhausted with life and being around others. Sound familiar? As a highly- sensitive person myself, I have learned by both helping myself and my clients get in touch with the ways the younger parts of them are feeling, and how we can move towards comfort and nurture rather than doing too much. Here is what I tell them:
Become interested in where that part of you feeling overwhelmed is in your body
Are you feeling tense in your shoulders? Stomach feel queasy? This may be a sign that anxiety is already creeping in. Often noticing sensations in your body first is the easiest way to catch when you may be beginning to feel overwhelmed. Think of the worst physical feeling you may often get, and let that be your gauge to determine where you are physically. HSPs are often in their heads and bodies, but we rarely externalize from it. This can help emotions feel less big, and provide a window to look into and be curious about.
What does that younger part of you need?
Is he/she feeling that they want to coop up in all its introvert glory and stay in bed while eating pints of ice cream? Let it! As long as it doesn’t go longer than a few days- then this leads to depressive behaviors. Maybe spending time inside is more recharging and setting boundaries with others can help facilitate this.
Create safety for the younger you
Deciding on what it means to feel safe for the younger parts of you, can be tricky to determine. Frequently I suggest comfort, validation, reassurance and soothing ways to create this sense of safety, then figuring out what the biggest triggers are. Sometimes being alone is a sense of safety, while for others, having someone else with you can be comforting too. Validation is the act of letting your feelings be feeings, and not dismissing them for existing in the first place. This can help reduce shame that may come with invalidating your experience to begin with. Which ever you choose, you will know when it feels safe (less stimulation, less racing thoughts, breathing easier, sense of clarity) There is not right or wrong to this!
Set Boundaries
OH, the agony. OH the terror. OH, the embarrassment. MUST WE?! YES! Setting boundaries is an HSP’s worst nightmare but it doesn’t have to be. Once you have regulated and start to feel ready to verbalize the boundary, anything helps. Simply stating the reasons you do not want to go out tonight, the reasons that it is important for you to stay home, and suggesting an alternative once this need is voiced (ex. “how about we go next week?”) can do wonders for both your little self and your relationships. A script I often give my clients is an assertive one, and sometimes practicing on a partner, your dog or even yourself can help it feel less awkward.
These four steps can be the beginning of care for the inner parts of you that often get forgotten about as an HSP. In a world that is busy and stimulating, it is easy to get dragged into the flow of extroverts, social events and work obligations. We often forget that we did not grow up in the same way as others. It is like fitting a square peg into a round hole and expecting it to fit.
I believe that HSPs have incredible gifts to offer others and see life in a beautiful way. Many clients that come to be feel that something is wrong with them, and I work hard to help them realize all the ways this is a strength. The younger parts of us still believe this to be a weakness at times, and by honoring what they need, we are not pushing them away- we are leaning toward them.
If you wouldn’t put a young child in the middle of a crowded mall with no comforting toy, blanket or means of safety, then why would you do that to yourself? HSP’s continue to do so much more for others, and navigate the world differently than most. This doesn’t mean the world SHOULD be navigated in the same way as others. Before you continue to say yes to those plans, no to staying in, and giving your best friend a listening ear for days on end, check in with your younger self and see how they feel. You may be surprised with their answer.